Documents
On the following pages are listed all of Germander's pieces completed to date, with a few
sample lines from each, plus some pieces in full at the end of each page.
On this page are listed all those on miscellaneous and general subjects. Click on these
links to be taken to the specialist subject pages:
General / Miscellaneous
YOU!
A page of ways to berate a flighty young man (without recourse to the use of unpleasant language).
"You cad, you charmer, you charlatan, you chancer;
You varlet, you enchanter, you downright disarmer..."
BLASTING BARNACLES
Dental terminology, taken out of clinical context.
" ...Temporo-mandibular dysfunction, interfering with enjoyment of luncheon..".
BICYCLE CLIPPINGS
Cycling terminology, sociology and simultaneities.
"...Punctures at junctions and punctuation at junctures.."
38 EUPHEMISMS FOR BEIGE
A collection of thirty-eight (so far!) misguided attempts by marketers to make beige sound desirable or evocative.
"Tan, natural, nude, nomad, camel, labrador..."
THE YOUNG PERSONS' GUIDE TO THE ORCHESTRA (see below for full version)
Music and instruments, real and misheard.
"Sackbuts and strumpets, crumhorns and serpents..."
SUITS YOU!
The (apparent) language of apparel.
"...Rigged in britches and wimples, skirtled in kirtles and filibegs..."
DISH OF THE DAY
Spoofs and spoonerisms of culinary language.
"...Spliced brawns and streaming squallops, herring impaired and cod wallops..."
LINGO BONKA
IKEA product names - innocent words in Swedish, but harsh or comical to the English customer.
"Klang, Frack, Kludd, Slabang..."
Young Person’s Guide to the Orchestra
Sackbuts and strumpets, crumhorns and serpents
Sousaphones circling and telephones ringing;
A basset horn, a bugle, a foghorn, a foxhound
A bassoon, a tuba, a buffoon, a barracuda
A cornet, a hornet, a kazoo, a cantata.
A ring cycle, a right-handed triangle, a tricycle
A triplet, a whippet, a crotchet, a quiver
A whimper, a waver, a trill.
There’s a brash bellow from the piccolo
A grandioso glissando in gigolo mode
A terse tarantino on the timpani
And the cacophones concurring in a cacophony.
Strings and winds, sharps and flats
Obbligato hard hats in the concussion section
And sectioning of instruments of highly strung temperament.
There’s a hint of discord, a broken consort
The leading note is now following, the mode out of fashion,
The descant’s too steep, stage too high, and scales rationed
Intervals diminished, and symphony - unfinished.
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Much of the above is untrue and is not to be used for musical instruction.
© Germander Speedwell 2005
Aubrey Brain playing the French Horn.
From 'The Road to the Orchestra', 1939.
